Funny and Strange
"Warning...When I'm An Old Woman" Spoof...
By Pam Munson Steadman
Jul 23, 2007 - 8:27:19 AM

Warning

(apologies to Jenny Joseph)

I am an old woman.

Anything purple makes my skin sallow.

Red hats with brims are lovely; however,

I look like "Frito Bandito" in hats of any kind.

I'd love to spend my pension money on brandy

But I cannot imbibe for health reasons.

Forget the satin sandals, for I wear a size 12.

We have money for butter, but I don't use it anymore;

 I'd much rather save it for Vegas (the money, not the butter).

I do gobble up samples at "Sam's."

The only 'alarm' bells' I press are my husband's when I'm ready to move again.

I had no sobriety in my youth...I wanted to have fun and I had it.

I wore 'Crocks' last fall in the rain,slipped, and almost ruined a trip.

I picked every flower from a neighbor's garden when I was seven

But I have never, ever spit.

  My shirts are not Donatella Versace, and plumpness is me.

I prefer crisp bacon to sausage.

I've given up bread, and pickles give me acid reflux

I don't hoard.  I get rid of boxed junk at garage sales.

  I pay the mortgage and I swear each time that I do.

It's kind of late to set an example for my children...they swear too.

I don't like having people for dinner anymore, particularly

But I read a lot of papers

  I'm tired of practicing...

I'm growing older by the minute

I want to hear, see, touch, and have it all.

People who know me expect no less

I am an old woman, and purple is not my color.

Pam Munson Steadman, @2007